By Layla Zickefoose, LISW
His overwhelming strength was the talk of kingdoms. He could carry entire city gates on his shoulders by himself. No one knew why he was so strong, but they wanted to figure it out and then kill him. And it was obvious the woman he loved was in on the plot. Over and over, she got (false at first) information from him and used the data to have him tied up. Despite her betrayal, he fell prey to her deceptive love and kept going back to her. Eventually she got the truth out of him – he was strong because he had long hair.
The Old Testament book of Judges tells us that when Samson divulged the secret of his strength, Delilah had someone cut off his hair in exchange for money. He lost his God-given strength, and his enemies plucked his eyes out. God restored his strength one last time as he brought down a building, crushing his enemies and himself (Judges 16).
The lengths we will go to maintain a sense of belonging and connection is astounding, as we see in this story of Samson. The thing is that connection and belonging are inherently good things. We were created for connection with God and also with people so that we can reflect Him to the world. Problems develop when we strive and hope for connection at all costs, forgetting our own values and God’s values for us along the way. This sets us up for all sorts of turmoil within ourselves and with others.
Often called co-dependency, this need for others to be okay with us is as common as it is crippling and destructive. I see it show up in my own life often. When I realized that January is National Codependency Awareness Month, we made a plan to share more about this topic and how we approach it here at Maranatha Family Counseling.
There is not a universal definition of codependency, and it shows up in a lot of different ways. Co-dependent people have a difficult time saying no, and often take care of others beyond personal capacity, often placing themselves in difficult situations. There is sometimes a tendency to control other people’s actions and thoughts as well as trouble recognizing personal emotions. We develop these habits for a variety of reasons, including a lack of healthy relationships in childhood, difficulty processing emotions, and a distorted view of our own value and God’s goodness.
If this topic is one you want to know more about, visit us on Facebook and Instagram throughout this month. We will be dropping more resources about this topic there. When we see codependency in ourselves or others, it is helpful to see it for what it is – a longing to connect and belong. It is also healthy to recognize when we are seeking these good things in unhealthy ways. This recognition can help us take time to consider why others’ thoughts and actions towards us became so much louder than God’s promised love.
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